009. Neverending nightmare
Oct. 25th, 2015 03:36 pmI thought that that if I got my team through the rest of summer split I could stop. I could relax and go back to being CGO and doing what I really want with my life. But there was the gauntlet, which we weren't supposed to win. Then there was bootcamp in Korea. Then there was worlds. It was supposed to be over.
Instead, the decision is basically finalized to keep me on the line up at least through spring split of 2016. What role I play is going to be dependent on how tryouts go for the jungle and support positions and what best fits we find for either role. I always will do what's best for C9 even if it's not what's best for me. I fought through gauntlet because they wanted to go to worlds even though I didn't I couldn't just be selfish and not do my best to help my team do well.
Korea was a bad experience for us all. We couldn't get good scrims and it's a miracle we pulled off that 3-0 the first week at groups. It was seriously overperforming and it's a bit of a blessing we didn't get further.
I don't want to be playing. It's not good for my health. My wrist issues reoccur and being a pro the amount of time I have to put in will start bringing back that pain I'm sure... and I still get so tired since all the stuff happened with my lung last year. Jack knows this isn't what I want but this is where he wants me and needs me. In the off season I'm going to try and do some of my CGO projects but if I do end up having to play -- which I probably will -- then I won't have time for that soon.
Personal life wise, haven't gotten to spend too much time with the boys and that's been getting to me. I have a dog now. She's precious. I miss Ayumi and that makes the days feel really long and adequately empty. I don't know. I'm sad lately and I'm trying not to show it to everyone all the time.
My life is seriously [500eu] Clownfiesta9.
Instead, the decision is basically finalized to keep me on the line up at least through spring split of 2016. What role I play is going to be dependent on how tryouts go for the jungle and support positions and what best fits we find for either role. I always will do what's best for C9 even if it's not what's best for me. I fought through gauntlet because they wanted to go to worlds even though I didn't I couldn't just be selfish and not do my best to help my team do well.
Korea was a bad experience for us all. We couldn't get good scrims and it's a miracle we pulled off that 3-0 the first week at groups. It was seriously overperforming and it's a bit of a blessing we didn't get further.
I don't want to be playing. It's not good for my health. My wrist issues reoccur and being a pro the amount of time I have to put in will start bringing back that pain I'm sure... and I still get so tired since all the stuff happened with my lung last year. Jack knows this isn't what I want but this is where he wants me and needs me. In the off season I'm going to try and do some of my CGO projects but if I do end up having to play -- which I probably will -- then I won't have time for that soon.
Personal life wise, haven't gotten to spend too much time with the boys and that's been getting to me. I have a dog now. She's precious. I miss Ayumi and that makes the days feel really long and adequately empty. I don't know. I'm sad lately and I'm trying not to show it to everyone all the time.
My life is seriously [500eu] Clownfiesta9.
006. Legendary
Sep. 4th, 2015 04:18 pmSo, I figure I should probably write out some about all that's been going on recently. I'm so mentally drained... maybe even more so I am emotionally drained. But like, I wanna write down and record all these things and I don't know but the energy to do it is kind of lacking. The gauntlet was literally the most draining thing and equally exciting and exhilarating. It's kinda like how I went to Disney with the guys and Ayumi and it just was so much fun but so exhausting and taxing. It wasn't as easy as when I was a kid going to amusement parks.
When we went into the gauntlet it was on the heels of being one game from relegations. We had won that game in the tie breaker with team 8 and that's what got us into the gauntlet. I don't think anyone expected much on the team. The guys really wanted to go to worlds. I didn't. But they did so I decided I was going to do my best to get them there.
The gauntlet was literally the most stressed I've ever been in my professional career. I had promised to do my best to get Jensen to worlds if he'd carry me once I got there and I felt that weight through every game. 14 games in the span of 3 days was insane. That's almost an entire season. Each game was really stressful. Each game mattered and as the shot caller, the captain, I felt so overwhelmed trying to make sure everyone had what they needed to be successful each game. That last series... I really didn't think we were going to win. We got into game 4 and just after it was done all I could say to Jensen was I held my promise your turn. rewatching the way we reacted to that win... Lemon just didn't believe we won. it was the most surreal win and I think one of the most emotional.
Every once in a while, sitting here in Korea, doing the bootcamp thing... I wonder if we really deserve to be here or if we just got lucky at being able to capitalize on mistakes other teams made due to lack of experience or lack of strong coaching. Like, maybe we just got lucky. But now that we're here we have to represent NA well for the teams that we beat to get here. Playing Korean soloq is one way to really make yourself doubt if you even belong here. :(
So, we're here for probably three weeks and then will get to worlds maybe a week before it starts in Paris...it's still kind of crazy to think we're actually going there. I still don't really want it. I know I'm the only one that doesn't want me here. The team wants me here, Jack wants me here, fans want me here... I just don't want to be here... But I love the guys and the team too much to just be selfish with what would make me happier.
It sucks to be in Korea and not even have too much free time to hang out with all the Korean friends that I've made. Sohee might kill me if I don't make it happen to be able to see her. haha. Makes me feel like a shit friend. I'm not good at juggling this all right now. I'm stressed and exhausted and I wanna sleep all the time.
But I'm going to enjoy Sunggyu's musical tonight and kbbq with the team and friends. And the Ayumi time of course.
When we went into the gauntlet it was on the heels of being one game from relegations. We had won that game in the tie breaker with team 8 and that's what got us into the gauntlet. I don't think anyone expected much on the team. The guys really wanted to go to worlds. I didn't. But they did so I decided I was going to do my best to get them there.
The gauntlet was literally the most stressed I've ever been in my professional career. I had promised to do my best to get Jensen to worlds if he'd carry me once I got there and I felt that weight through every game. 14 games in the span of 3 days was insane. That's almost an entire season. Each game was really stressful. Each game mattered and as the shot caller, the captain, I felt so overwhelmed trying to make sure everyone had what they needed to be successful each game. That last series... I really didn't think we were going to win. We got into game 4 and just after it was done all I could say to Jensen was I held my promise your turn. rewatching the way we reacted to that win... Lemon just didn't believe we won. it was the most surreal win and I think one of the most emotional.
Every once in a while, sitting here in Korea, doing the bootcamp thing... I wonder if we really deserve to be here or if we just got lucky at being able to capitalize on mistakes other teams made due to lack of experience or lack of strong coaching. Like, maybe we just got lucky. But now that we're here we have to represent NA well for the teams that we beat to get here. Playing Korean soloq is one way to really make yourself doubt if you even belong here. :(
So, we're here for probably three weeks and then will get to worlds maybe a week before it starts in Paris...it's still kind of crazy to think we're actually going there. I still don't really want it. I know I'm the only one that doesn't want me here. The team wants me here, Jack wants me here, fans want me here... I just don't want to be here... But I love the guys and the team too much to just be selfish with what would make me happier.
It sucks to be in Korea and not even have too much free time to hang out with all the Korean friends that I've made. Sohee might kill me if I don't make it happen to be able to see her. haha. Makes me feel like a shit friend. I'm not good at juggling this all right now. I'm stressed and exhausted and I wanna sleep all the time.
But I'm going to enjoy Sunggyu's musical tonight and kbbq with the team and friends. And the Ayumi time of course.
005. Immortals
Aug. 24th, 2015 10:17 amI have feelings and I feel like trying to emote them.
To cloud 9: You guys are like a second family to me. In the end, I'm not sure it really matters what happens this weekend. I think we've already made our immortal mark on the NA LCS. We've changed the game and made an impact and I know Cloud 9 will continue to innovate and come back strong in future seasons. We have some growing pains right now and I know a lot of that is my fault and I'm sorry. But next week, let's just give our everything on the stage and the cards will fall where they're supposed to. I believe in you guys.
Balls, you've had a rough season. You've fallen down a lot but I love to watch how you get back up and how hard you work when literally no one is watching. I see it. People wonder why we keep you and it's because in the worst of times you are always there and pull through for us. We wouldn't be a team without your quiet strength.
Jensen, You're the new kid in our pack and you really shook it up quite a bit. I think you don't realize how happy I am to have you be a part of Cloud 9. A lot of teams probably wouldn't taken the chance on you with the misgivings in your past but whatever you did or didn't do you're a good guy now. And I love watching you grow every game and being able to help direct you now that I'm playing on the roster for now. You're going to out class me before long. I hope you'll be a part of Cloud 9 for a very, very long time and that this becomes a new home for you.
Sneaky, you're always there for us whether the team is playing badly or not. When we fall apart and you still play strong you never hold it against us, you never get boastful or resentful. You share the blame with us and you're one of the best teammates that anyone could ever ask for. Since the beginning, you've been a selfless player for our team and giving your all. We wouldn't be the same without you and we're lucky that you've remained loyal to us when you've had so many opportunities that have come your way especially recently. I love you bro. Thanks for not only being our consistent carry in game but also for carrying our spirits when we can't do it ourselves.
Lemon, you're my support in game and real life and in everything. I think we're way past words anymore. Your theorycrafting has made cloud 9 what we are. We could never come up with our crazy shit without you. I may make world class calls but you make world class strategies and I can't do anything without you. I love you more than words will ever be enough to convey.
Meteos, it's been a hard road for us lately. I understand what you did and why you did it. I'm not angry anymore. I'm glad we've made amends and I'm glad you're in a place now that I think you'll be really happy and I know you're going to find immense amounts of success. We've had a hard road in our friendships but we made it through it all and we stood on the top of the world together. I think we'll do that again one day.
To our fans: It's been a really hard year, a really difficult season. You've stuck with us and you've believed in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves anymore. Every bit of success we get this year, that we've had is because of you guys giving us strength when we were weak. Our true fans are the only reason we keep fighting when it would be a lot easier to throw in the towel. Love ya.
To my family: Ba, I don't think anyone has a dad as amazing as you are. Everyday you tell me how amazing I am, how proud you are of me and that you love me. I don't think any son could ask for more. I just hope that I can always make you proud and I always want to climb to higher heights because that's who you made me to be. I love you so much. Mom, you're a quiet strength in my life. Sometimes I forget how much you hold me up. If I ever take you for granted hit me upside the head because I'm lucky. I love you. Come see me play. Bao, who needs enemies with a brother like you? jkjk... I love you. Every game I've played you've always been there and not just because you work for Riot. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for being a part of what made me into me. Life wouldn't be the same without you and I'm glad you're here with me, home in California.
To Myself: Live and let live. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders by yourself. Don't forget.
To cloud 9: You guys are like a second family to me. In the end, I'm not sure it really matters what happens this weekend. I think we've already made our immortal mark on the NA LCS. We've changed the game and made an impact and I know Cloud 9 will continue to innovate and come back strong in future seasons. We have some growing pains right now and I know a lot of that is my fault and I'm sorry. But next week, let's just give our everything on the stage and the cards will fall where they're supposed to. I believe in you guys.
Balls, you've had a rough season. You've fallen down a lot but I love to watch how you get back up and how hard you work when literally no one is watching. I see it. People wonder why we keep you and it's because in the worst of times you are always there and pull through for us. We wouldn't be a team without your quiet strength.
Jensen, You're the new kid in our pack and you really shook it up quite a bit. I think you don't realize how happy I am to have you be a part of Cloud 9. A lot of teams probably wouldn't taken the chance on you with the misgivings in your past but whatever you did or didn't do you're a good guy now. And I love watching you grow every game and being able to help direct you now that I'm playing on the roster for now. You're going to out class me before long. I hope you'll be a part of Cloud 9 for a very, very long time and that this becomes a new home for you.
Sneaky, you're always there for us whether the team is playing badly or not. When we fall apart and you still play strong you never hold it against us, you never get boastful or resentful. You share the blame with us and you're one of the best teammates that anyone could ever ask for. Since the beginning, you've been a selfless player for our team and giving your all. We wouldn't be the same without you and we're lucky that you've remained loyal to us when you've had so many opportunities that have come your way especially recently. I love you bro. Thanks for not only being our consistent carry in game but also for carrying our spirits when we can't do it ourselves.
Lemon, you're my support in game and real life and in everything. I think we're way past words anymore. Your theorycrafting has made cloud 9 what we are. We could never come up with our crazy shit without you. I may make world class calls but you make world class strategies and I can't do anything without you. I love you more than words will ever be enough to convey.
Meteos, it's been a hard road for us lately. I understand what you did and why you did it. I'm not angry anymore. I'm glad we've made amends and I'm glad you're in a place now that I think you'll be really happy and I know you're going to find immense amounts of success. We've had a hard road in our friendships but we made it through it all and we stood on the top of the world together. I think we'll do that again one day.
To our fans: It's been a really hard year, a really difficult season. You've stuck with us and you've believed in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves anymore. Every bit of success we get this year, that we've had is because of you guys giving us strength when we were weak. Our true fans are the only reason we keep fighting when it would be a lot easier to throw in the towel. Love ya.
To my family: Ba, I don't think anyone has a dad as amazing as you are. Everyday you tell me how amazing I am, how proud you are of me and that you love me. I don't think any son could ask for more. I just hope that I can always make you proud and I always want to climb to higher heights because that's who you made me to be. I love you so much. Mom, you're a quiet strength in my life. Sometimes I forget how much you hold me up. If I ever take you for granted hit me upside the head because I'm lucky. I love you. Come see me play. Bao, who needs enemies with a brother like you? jkjk... I love you. Every game I've played you've always been there and not just because you work for Riot. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for being a part of what made me into me. Life wouldn't be the same without you and I'm glad you're here with me, home in California.
To Myself: Live and let live. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders by yourself. Don't forget.
004. title what title
Aug. 10th, 2015 10:10 amSo, life is weird.
That's about all I got.
Ayumi is here and that makes me really happy. I wish I didn't have to practice so I could spend all day everyday with her.
Okay, I should really write more than that I suppose but I think I'm just a bit mentally drained. I managed to get myself demoted last night. It happens to everyone. It's happened to Bjergsen even but it just feels awful.
But! I will keep my head up. Lots of fun things to do this week and will have to take Ayumi out to the pier sometime this week. Maybe after LCS Saturday?
That's about all I got.
Ayumi is here and that makes me really happy. I wish I didn't have to practice so I could spend all day everyday with her.
Okay, I should really write more than that I suppose but I think I'm just a bit mentally drained. I managed to get myself demoted last night. It happens to everyone. It's happened to Bjergsen even but it just feels awful.
But! I will keep my head up. Lots of fun things to do this week and will have to take Ayumi out to the pier sometime this week. Maybe after LCS Saturday?
003. No direction
Jul. 23rd, 2015 04:10 pmI just kind of felt like making a post but I don't really know what I feel like talking about. Work has been on my mind a lot but I said in my last post that my post wouldn't be work related.
I guess on a personal front life has been kind of up and down if not because my organization is in turmoil. There's a lot of things happening between some people in my life that a few months ago I would've never thought was possible. It's really hard to feel like you're causing someone you care about to be unhappy but there's nothing you can do...and even worse when in public they are saying things like that you hate them but you don't. And you're not sure if they're just joking or they really mean things like that. Mixed in with someone else's bitterness and anger it's a hard thing to live with.
Working as a pro gamer again has been hard and tiring and reminding me why I retired in the first place. There's so much drama lately on top of the problems I personally have to deal with with my health and such... and just seeing so many of my friends in bad situations (self inflicted and otherwise). I'm just exhausted.
I guess that's all for now. I wish I could bring it upbeat but I think there's very little of that in me lately.
I guess on a personal front life has been kind of up and down if not because my organization is in turmoil. There's a lot of things happening between some people in my life that a few months ago I would've never thought was possible. It's really hard to feel like you're causing someone you care about to be unhappy but there's nothing you can do...and even worse when in public they are saying things like that you hate them but you don't. And you're not sure if they're just joking or they really mean things like that. Mixed in with someone else's bitterness and anger it's a hard thing to live with.
Working as a pro gamer again has been hard and tiring and reminding me why I retired in the first place. There's so much drama lately on top of the problems I personally have to deal with with my health and such... and just seeing so many of my friends in bad situations (self inflicted and otherwise). I'm just exhausted.
I guess that's all for now. I wish I could bring it upbeat but I think there's very little of that in me lately.
002. I need more icons
Jul. 6th, 2015 10:06 amI so need more icons and I'm gonna buy myself some space but I can't actually make icons. I need to find a remedy for that I think. I'll think about it later. Today, I have more important things to write/rant about so I stop spamming twitter with all my feelings. This is going to be league/career heavy post so if you don't want to listen to my complaining/worries/shit about my team and career go ahead and exit stage left. ♥ Next post I promise will be more non-gamer friendly. This week has just left me with so much that I need to get out so I can get in the right head space for this coming weekend.
So, at the beginning of last week I had no idea that by Friday I would be out of retirement and on the starting line up of Cloud9 again. It was the last thing I expected and not something I wanted to be honest. All in all, Meteos is one of our organization's strongest players but taking over shot calling has been difficult -- shot calling isn't just something you can pick up over night. It took me years to get to the point I am with my shot calling (and I still make a lot of mistakes -- ex: yesterday's game). In any case, Meteos is the kind of guy that takes everything to heart and he always takes responsibility for things whether they're going good or bad and with the weight of shotcalling on his shoulders it's really been too much for him. He has blamed himself for every game that c9 had that went badly and he finally broke. Leaving scrimmages without a word was unprofessional but I honestly can't say I fault him too much and me and Jack worry more about his mental health than how this is affecting our team performance. So we are going to do our best to make this work.
I haven't jungled for like 3 years and when I did jungle at a professional level it was for like... two minutes on a previous team. I wasn't particularly that good at it then. So, Friday, I get the call from Charlie and Jack and basically get voluntold I'm being emergency subbed in as jungler for this week and until further notice. So, I've been playing league casually with friends more often but I don't jungle, right? And I'm just messing around with friends and not particularly playing seriously so I'm out of practice. But we need a shot caller and our other jungle sub, Hard is busy with the challenger series and also doesn't have quite the same level of experience with shot calling so the team would be in just as bad a position as we were in with Meteos.
Saturday, I play a champ for the third time and it's in a professional game. We almost come out on top and then I make a really horrible call in a team fight and it falls apart around us. And yesterday... yesterday was a wreck from the get go but for some reason Jensen is getting all the blame when honestly Balls and I were the ones that were playing badly when Jensen was bullying the hell out of his lane. Yeah, he was playing Zed and he didn't ult once but in the same position I wouldn't have been able to do so either. The amount of hate and cruelty being directed towards him right now is unbelievable and maddening. I wish I could adequately express how outraged I am at how poorly he is being treated by the community and for things that were far out of his control but somehow I and Balls are escaping this unscathed? The side lanes were tilting but Jensen was ahead in his lane and won his own lane while the rest of us fell apart. No wonder the kid tilted halfway through the game -- but you know what? He followed my every call exactly like I told him to. I trust him and I believe in him and he wasn't our problem.
I spent several hours last night practicing jungle even with company over. Then Bunny (support from Gravity) insisted I stop and go eat since everyone was over and everything. So I did.
I mean yeah... I feel like I could go on forever but it felt nice to get out what I did get out. I might right some more another time or just edit this post with more feelings.
But mostly I just feel inadequate right now. I can make the right calls but do I have the mechanics to make the same jungle impact as Meteos?
So, at the beginning of last week I had no idea that by Friday I would be out of retirement and on the starting line up of Cloud9 again. It was the last thing I expected and not something I wanted to be honest. All in all, Meteos is one of our organization's strongest players but taking over shot calling has been difficult -- shot calling isn't just something you can pick up over night. It took me years to get to the point I am with my shot calling (and I still make a lot of mistakes -- ex: yesterday's game). In any case, Meteos is the kind of guy that takes everything to heart and he always takes responsibility for things whether they're going good or bad and with the weight of shotcalling on his shoulders it's really been too much for him. He has blamed himself for every game that c9 had that went badly and he finally broke. Leaving scrimmages without a word was unprofessional but I honestly can't say I fault him too much and me and Jack worry more about his mental health than how this is affecting our team performance. So we are going to do our best to make this work.
I haven't jungled for like 3 years and when I did jungle at a professional level it was for like... two minutes on a previous team. I wasn't particularly that good at it then. So, Friday, I get the call from Charlie and Jack and basically get voluntold I'm being emergency subbed in as jungler for this week and until further notice. So, I've been playing league casually with friends more often but I don't jungle, right? And I'm just messing around with friends and not particularly playing seriously so I'm out of practice. But we need a shot caller and our other jungle sub, Hard is busy with the challenger series and also doesn't have quite the same level of experience with shot calling so the team would be in just as bad a position as we were in with Meteos.
Saturday, I play a champ for the third time and it's in a professional game. We almost come out on top and then I make a really horrible call in a team fight and it falls apart around us. And yesterday... yesterday was a wreck from the get go but for some reason Jensen is getting all the blame when honestly Balls and I were the ones that were playing badly when Jensen was bullying the hell out of his lane. Yeah, he was playing Zed and he didn't ult once but in the same position I wouldn't have been able to do so either. The amount of hate and cruelty being directed towards him right now is unbelievable and maddening. I wish I could adequately express how outraged I am at how poorly he is being treated by the community and for things that were far out of his control but somehow I and Balls are escaping this unscathed? The side lanes were tilting but Jensen was ahead in his lane and won his own lane while the rest of us fell apart. No wonder the kid tilted halfway through the game -- but you know what? He followed my every call exactly like I told him to. I trust him and I believe in him and he wasn't our problem.
I spent several hours last night practicing jungle even with company over. Then Bunny (support from Gravity) insisted I stop and go eat since everyone was over and everything. So I did.
I mean yeah... I feel like I could go on forever but it felt nice to get out what I did get out. I might right some more another time or just edit this post with more feelings.
But mostly I just feel inadequate right now. I can make the right calls but do I have the mechanics to make the same jungle impact as Meteos?
001. I'm not new new to this
Jun. 25th, 2015 03:43 pmSo, now that I have all two of your girls here (because ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lustboy is a dick and won't add me back)I really have been feeling like getting into the whole blogosphere again. Maybe if I get to writing in this I'll pick up more strays. But here I think it'll be easier than the professional one I keep up. Even when I'm really honest there, there's a lot you can't say to save face for yourself or the people around you. I don't particularly ever want to be that guy that threw people under the bus like some people I know.
Regardless of the fact I more often than not have harsh words for Charlie anymore.
In any case, this is just a short entry. I didn't particularly have anything to say at this moment but it's always nice to get your first out of the way and everything.
I'll have some more interesting stuff for you guys later.
lustboy is a dick and won't add me backIn any case, this is just a short entry. I didn't particularly have anything to say at this moment but it's always nice to get your first out of the way and everything.
I'll have some more interesting stuff for you guys later.
